CAT and its effects on my life

I have been frequenting many sites in the desi MBA and MBA aspirant’s blogsphere. One such Blog that I visited today was that of Harry’s (Prashant). I had visited his blog once,long long ago when he stoked contoversy due to a post on PG about his visit to Bombay to attend SPJain interview last year, just to find out more about him. As has been my habit I went through some of his old posts. I was quite started to read some of his posts in the build up to CAT. Almost all his post’s seemed to reflect my state of mind both before CAT, after CAT and more importantly after the GD/PI results were declared. Only for the few glorious days between declaration of scores and those of GD/PI short list I was euphoric. Reading his blog has certainly made me think of what was, what is and what should be.

I have given CAT 3 times now (including the leaked CAT) and each time I have failed to give a winning performance. When I look back I realize how much I have given up for, this so far fruitless endeavor. When I started out to prepare for CAT in the year 2003 there were 3 of us, close friends who seriously started out on a journey which all of us knew would be very arduous. Then there were these not so serious guy’s who also took CAT (Gaurav my classmate deserves special mention here, as many times he helped me with study materials and moral support). Eventually as we devoted our body, mind and soul to CAT preparation, we started to lose sight of other aspects of life. Engineering became a low priority, all that mattered then was to clear the papers, eventually nothing else mattered but CAT. We became fanatical in our worship of CAT, it was CAT this and CAT that and nothing else mattered. After spending almost one year completely immersed in CAT, when at least I sacrificed not a insignificant part of social life and potential close friendship with peers engaged in other pursuits than CAT, one of us made it to XLRI, while it was a disaster for the other. I was stranded in the middle or so I thought with around 95%.

What followed was mad and depressing scramble to find a JOB us. Fortunately this phase did not stretch too long for me and soon enough I landed up with 5 software jobs offers (I-GATE, IQL (IQ-Ludorum), CTS, HCL-T and TCS) and one marketing job (Indiamart.com). Eventually I joined HCL-T for reasons I am not very sure or convinced even now. Probably the fact that it paid the most and was reputed not to layoff employees was the most important factor. My other friend was not so fortunate and after some trying times he made it to TCS and is now a satisfied employee there. But it was absolutely clear to him that CAT was a closed chapter and he never gave a third CAT. Sadly that was not the case with me and I continued with my journey towards that elusive goal which is also my ambition. My third encounter with CAT was better than the first two and I managed to score 98.48. Only to discover, much to my horror that it was not enough to get a IIM or MDI or NITIE call. I also did not apply to SP-JAIN.

CAT has left me devastated. Now when I look back how much I have given up in this journey to get into a B-School and am continuing to give up, I can’t help wondering was it all worth it. I have wrecked my close relationships with college mates with too much emphasis on CAT. Even now whenever I talk to them inevitably the conversation steers towards CAT. My office colleagues are going on a trip to Ooty on 18th while I must stay back to prepare for the XIM-B interview. Much of my time I spend working and finding out about the work done by my company, reading magazines like Business world, Business India, Time etc in the hope that it helps me in my XLRI and CET(JBMIS) interview’s while others are busy flirting with girls or pursits which are more fun. Shouldn’t I to be with them, enjoying the lighter moments of life. Should I not be watching the latest Ajit movie Ji or some other Vijaikant movie, which they seem to enjoy so much rather than reading a management book Goal by Eliyahu M. Goldratt that I am now. Why is it that their lives and goals seem so distant with my life and goals. I feel increasing like a weirdo and loner and more importantly a loser. Neither did I crack CAT nor have I made moves towards a significant breakthrough in my career.

When I think about all this anxiety sets into my mind. What is it that I want? In fact at a deeper and higher level who am I? Currently these are the questions that are gnawing my mind. If I don’t make it this year these need to be urgently answered. For now I will be cautiously optimistic, but if the worst comes to past then I need to take control and do not a small amount of introspection on what I want. Will one more year of serious CAT preparation be worth it? Lets hope it never comes to pass.